As you probably know by now, Drake was sitting courtside Wednesday night in OKC for the Thunder’s game against the Rockets.
I tweeted about it, you tweeted about it, the Thunder account tweeted about it, literally everyone tweeted about it.
My buddy Connor, better know as Cone; AKA @ThreeCone made a joke in a group chat about Drake trying to find a rhyme for Pokusevski.
As does the hit Apple TV+ show Ted Lasso, this inspired me.
I was gonna act as if I was were Drake, making bars about the Thunder players. After all, I did rap a Hamilton inspired Shai Gilgeous-Alexander All Star propaganda verse to Mike Muscala on the Topic: Thunder Podcast. If anyone was qualified, they would have done it. But they didn’t, so you were stuck with me.
I started with Shai, the guy Drake was most likely there to see (hopefully for not any ulterior motives) as he is the best player on the team.
What I went with was “We can go and get your ice cream I admire your candor, I’m tryna get a scoop no Shai Gilgeous-Alexander”.
I probably could’ve come up with something better, but Shai’s name is very hard to rhyme with. That sucker has 6 syllables and a hyphen in it. Yes, I know the hyphen doesn’t make a difference in audible form, except when Chris Fisher says it that is.
This got the wheels turning, so without further ado I present to you Drake rapping about everyone on the Thunder roster, as portrayed by me ThunderChats. Or as you’ll soon refer to me as; ThunderRaps. Gross, the sounds more like Raptors. We’ll work shop it.
Luguentz Dort: “If you need someone that’s got your back, I’ll hold down the fort. I’ll protect ya, I’ll defend ya, call me Luguentz Dort.”
Ya know, because Drake gets in his feelings on his songs sometimes. Kinda like this next one.
Aleksej Pokusevski: “Since you came into my life, I’m way up, like in Blessings. I can see we got potential like Aleksej Pokusevski.”
If there’s anything Poke undoubtedly has, it’s potential. Just like me and you, girl. Just kidding, happily married.
Josh Giddey: “After party at the crib, girl invite the whole city. Light it up, take a puff, pass the blunt like Josh Giddey.”
I don’t see how this isn’t in any rap song today. Giddey is such an easy word to rhyme with. It’s good for a classic double entendre too. For real though, this verse is for sale. Hit my cash app.
I’ll admit, the ones above I actually tweeted. These next few, are straight off the dome, no Carmelo. Dear lord, I must be stopped.
Tre Mann: “Girl you jumping to conclusions again, what are you sayin? I think we need some space, so step back like Tre Mann.”
That dude do be creating a lot of space. He like the reverse Alex Hitchens. Instead of Hitch, they would call him Space. What a sequel that would be, cast Poku as the co star that needs to break up with his girlfriend and he calls “Space”. Oh, the possibilities.
Darius Bazley: “I wish you’d give just another chance, I don’t want you to hate me. But I’m not gonna make you force it, you’re not Darius Bazley.”
OOF…. did I do that? I’m just playing Baze, I promise it’s all love. But no more congested step back 3’s, that’s enough. I can’t stop.
Ty Jerome: “Marvin’s Room type beat, I’m crying with you on the phone. Cause you know the words that cut deep, like Ty Jerome.”
There’s Curry range, there’s Dame range, there’s Shai LA logo range, and then there’s Ty Jerome range. Shoutout Marvin Gaye.
Aaron Wiggins: “You’re trying to have your cake and eat it too, but baby you trippin. You can’t have it 2 ways, you not Aaron Wiggins.”
Aaron Wiggins is on a 2 way contract with the Thunder. In an argument with your significant other, throwing a random NBA players name into the fray to provoke confusion is always the move.
Kenrich Williams: “You comparing me to past relationships, but this ain’t even fair. I’m different than those other dudes, like Kenrich Williams hair.”
Shoutout Kenny Hustle, and Kenny Hustle’s hair.
I think that’s enough cringe (or heat, depending on how you take it) for one day. If you would like me to complete the roster, like you really wanna hear me name drop Vit Krejci or Paul Watson Jr. in a Drake style bar, let me know at my Twitter @ThunderChats. You might as well follow me while you’re there!